Congratulations! You have already taken the important first step toward better health, a sharper mind, and an improved social life. In this introduction to The Johnston Papers, I will answer any questions that you—
Q. Hey! This is a blog!
A. What? No, it’s not. I don’t even know what a blog—
Q. Sure looks like a blog to me.
A. Who are you? I wasn’t finished. Now, if you’ll let me—
Q. If it’s not a blog, why does it have a “blogroll”? And what’s this stuff about getting a free blog at WordPress.Com?
A. All right, it’s a blog already! So I’m a blogger! Who cares?
Q. Well, aren’t bloggers usually unemployed crackpots who can’t write?
A. Usually, but it’s not required. Anyway, don’t think of it as a blog. Think of it as an on-line column, but better.
Q. But people will be able to post comments, right?
A. No. Apparently you do have to be an unemployed crackpot to post comments on a blog. And, although I expect to have a pretty smart audience, there’s no point in taking chances. I’m not here to provide a forum for people to hurl insults at each other. If you click on “comment,” you’ll get a message that comments are closed. So I write, you read. I do all the work, you have all the fun. If you can find a better deal, take it.
Q. What are you going to write about?
A. Whatever I want, but the most frequent topics, in no particular order, will be (1) the general foolishness of our culture; (2) language and its enemies; (3) baseball; and (4) vegetables that should be outlawed.
Q. Why are you doing this?
A. Several reasons: (1) to save the world; (2) to improve your life; (3) to keep my head from exploding.
Q. So ego has nothing to do with it?
A. (4) Ego.
Q. How will reading your columns improve my life?
A. Scientific studies show—or if they don’t, they ought to—that regular laughter contributes mightily to longevity; and people have told me that they find humor in my writings. You read my stuff, you live longer. How much easier can it get?
Q. Well, you said it would make me smarter, too. How does that work?
A. Do you know when to use “whoever” and when to use “whomever”? The difference between “forgo” and “forego”? Between “may” and “might”?
Q. Yes, I believe I do.
A. No, you don’t. I’ll explain all that and more.
Q. What’s your political slant?
A. I don’t have one. Well, okay, I have one, but my blog—that is, my column—doesn’t. The weighty issues that I’ll be addressing transcend political and ideological lines. Whether you’re conservative or liberal, you should be able to connect the dots from the advent of nighttime World Series games to the rise of Islamic fundamentalism. If you can’t, well, you need to spend some time with The Johnston Papers.
Q. Uh—okay. But you know, I really have too much to read already. I don’t think I can fit this in to my schedule.
A. Here, I’ll save you some time. Iraq is a mess, Israelis and Palestinians are killing each other, some rogue nations are pursuing nuclear weapons, studies show that Americans are dumber and lazier than ever, and Jennifer’s boyfriend dumped her. In the unlikely event that any of that changes, I’ll let you know. Now you don’t have to buy a newspaper or watch the news for the next ten years. Voila! Lots of extra reading time!
Your subscription to The Johnston Papers will bring you the most relevant news and the most insightful commentary, all in one convenient package—but there’s more! You’ll also be among the first to learn about important public policy initiatives like the Johnston Commission’s education funding plan, including the commission’s much-anticipated punctuation tax proposal. On a more personal level, you’ll enjoy free access to helpful self-improvement programs like the Bungalow Diet.
Q. Okay, I’m in. What do I need to do?
A. Go to the top of the page and click on “Subscribe to The Johnston Papers by Email.” Then follow the instructions—enter your e-mail address, do the spam code thing, submit it, wait for the e-mail confirmation, and click on the link to activate your subscription.
Q. Then what?
A. In about a week you’ll get an e-mail announcing the arrival of my first full column. After that, it’s nothing but fun and games. One column every two weeks.
Q. Anything else?
A. Tell everyone you know about this. They’ll love you for it.
Q. Will do. Thank you for improving my life.
A. It’s what I do.
