Happy New Year!
Yes, it’s true. While you were out partying, I was slaving over a hot computer, pounding out another column in my desperate struggle to hold together what remains of our nation’s moral and intellectual fiber. Don’t feel guilty—some people excel at self-indulgence, while others are better at saving humanity. We all have our roles to play.
So, it’s resolution time. Oh, don’t worry—I’m not going to bore you with my own New Year’s resolutions. Actually, I don’t have any, but I am working on one for next year. I plan to take up smoking in 2007 so I can quit in ‘08. Everyone needs a goal.
For now, I’m going to offer a few suggestions for the rest of you, since it seems that most people have trouble finding anything in themselves that needs improving. You’ll be reading more about most of these ideas in the coming year; this is just an outline to help you along the way.
1. Swear off root vegetables. You see? This isn’t going to be so hard after all. Baby steps.
Why is there even a market for these things? There must be a few thousand varieties of vegetables in the world. Under what circumstances does a normal person decide that nothing would go better than a dish of stewed turnips?
2. Leave your sleepwear at home. Of all the ”fashion” trends of the decade, this is perhaps the most offensive—and that’s saying a lot. I don’t think I should have to look at people shuffling around in pajamas and bedroom slippers, scratching themselves and belching, when I’m at the coffee shop, the grocery store, or the post office. If you can’t be bothered to get dressed before going out in public, there really isn’t a place for you on this planet. Get off.
3. Stop drinking Labatt. Geez, you didn’t think I was going to tell you to stop drinking altogether, did you? What kind of monster do you think I am?
But if you must drink (and if you must, you must), don’t drink Labatt beer. Do you know what these sleazebags are up to? Well, let’s try this: guess how many ounces of beer are in each bottle of a Labatt Blue six-pack.
If you said “Twelve, just like every other freakin’ beer in the world,” guess again. The answer is 11.5 ounces. Yes, they’re cheating us out of half an ounce every time we open a bottle.
Punish them. This will be the first, but hardly the last, official Johnston Papers boycott.
4. Pronounce “accede” correctly. This is especially for the benefit of anyone who works in or around the New Hampshire legislature. I don’t know why this is so difficult, but apparently it is. So let’s make it easy. First, try saying these words: Accept. Accelerate. Accident.
Okay, ready? Repeat after me. Ak-SEED. Ak-SEED.
Are you getting the “k” sound in there? Ak-SEED. Not uh-SEED. Ak-SEED. Keep practicing.
5. Stand up to traffic lights. The next time you find yourself sitting at a red light for 40 seconds with no other vehicles in sight, ask yourself this question: “Why am I allowing my life to be controlled by the color of a light?” Then do what you think is right.
6. Change your greeting. This is one I have to work on myself. Let’s get rid of “How are you?,” “What’s happenin’?,” “How’s it goin’?,” “What’s new?,” and anything else that contains a question mark. We have enough stress in our lives without trying to come up with meaningless answers to insincere questions 30 times a day. Try these clever alternatives: “Hello.” “Hi.” “Good morning.” “Howdy.” We’ll all be better off.
Ak-SEED. How’s that feel? Keep working on it.
7. Clean up your language. Okay, I’m begging. Please, please, PLEASE eliminate the following words, non-words, and phrases from your vocabulary:
— “utilize” (try “use” instead);
— “amongst” (what’s with the Old English?);
— “bicep” (no such word);
— “fisher cat” (no such animal);
— “hot water heater” (seriously, I’m begging).
8. Disarm the car. News flash! For the umpteenth year in a row, the number of cars stolen from Main Street in Concord, New Hampshire, in broad daylight was—this will shock you—zero. Meanwhile, the number of times the downtown tranquility was shattered by unnecessary car alarms was 6,528. (Yes, I made that up, but who doubts that I’m in the ballpark?) Other cities and towns around the state report remarkably similar statistics.
Since the police are strangely reluctant to arrest the perpetrators for disturbing the peace, I’ve come up with my own solution. If you have any concerns about having your headlights shot out, you know what to do.
Ak-SEED. Ak-SEED. I think you’re getting it.
Have a good year, and don’t screw it up.
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Start the year right. Forward The Johnston Papers to a friend.
