Sorry I’m late. Yeah, I know, people have been asking for me. The presidential primaries and caucuses are starting in less than two months, and my guidance is needed.
The well informed voters of New Hampshire and Iowa should have no problem; but what’s frightening is that people in obscure, marginal states like Nevada, Florida, and Michigan are planning early contests this year, and let’s face it—they don’t know anything. So I’m here to help.
I’m not going to tell you how to vote. Rather, I will help you find the candidate who is right for you, based on my scientifically proven compatibility criteria. And the great thing is that you don’t need to know anything about politics, the issues, or the candidates. Good thing.
I can’t tell you my secrets, but I’ll tell you this much: I can find the ideal candidate for you based on the kind of car you drive.
This first became clear in the months preceding the 2004 general election, when it occurred to me that if someone passed me at 85 in a three-ton, 12-mpg Machomobile, the Bush-Cheney sticker didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. Similarly, the Kerry-Edwards sticker on the Prius in front of the natural foods store seemed redundant.
In fact, we could have saved a lot of hassle by just having the voters drive up to the polls and letting the ballot clerks check off the votes: an Oldsmobile for Bush, a Subaru for Kerry; a Ford F-250 and a Jeep for Bush, a Corolla and a couple of Civics for Kerry.
It’s really pretty simple: drivers of American cars vote Republican, while those with Japanese models vote Democratic. Sure, there are exceptions—the ‘83 Escort probably was with Kerry, the $50,000 Land Cruiser with Bush—but they balance each other out.
With the European models, it’s only slightly more complicated. Volkswagens go with the Democrats, but the other German makes are solidly Republican. Volvos are reliably Democratic, while Saabs break about 60-40 for the Republicans.
So it’s pretty easy in the general election. But in a primary with eight major candidates in each party, there are plenty of fine distinctions to draw. Fortunately, I’ve done the research, and the results follow. All you need to do is find your car on the list below, and you’ll know how to vote. I’ll take care of the Republicans today, and the Democrats next time.
In case you don’t know, here are your Republican options: Rudy Giuliani, Mike Huckabee, Duncan Hunter, John McCain, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, Fred Thompson, and Tom Tancredo. All right, let’s go.
Chevrolet (cars only—pickups and SUVs are addressed below). Eliminate Romney and Giuliani. Any of the other Republicans might fit you. See further considerations applicable to pickup trucks and SUVs. Two exceptions: (1) If you’re over 50 and drive a Corvette, you’re with Rudy; (2) If you drive a Camaro, you probably don’t know what a presidential primary is. Ask your probation officer about it.
Pontiac, Buick, or Oldsmobile. Easy call—Fred Thompson’s your man. Especially if you buy a new one every 20,000 miles and think it’s a darn good car to last that long.
Cadillac. If you’ve figured out how to shut off the turn signals, you’re probably with Romney; if not, you like Thompson.
Jeep Wrangler. If you can get it off the blocks and running by election day, cast your vote for Paul or McCain.
Ford (cars only). This is tricky. Actually, you’re probably a Democrat. If not, you would be most comfortable with Huckabee, or possibly Paul.
Chrysler or Dodge (cars only). If you live within walking distance of the polls, pull on your sweatpants and vote for Thompson. Otherwise, just stay home and watch your soaps.
Mercedes. Convertibles and roadsters for Giuliani, all others for Romney.
BMW. 3 Series—McCain; 5 Series—Giuliani; 6 or 7 Series—Romney; SUV—Romney; Roadster—McCain.
How do I know this? Don’t ask questions. I know.
Audi. Q7 or A8 for Romney, all other models for Giuliani.
Lexus. See Mercedes.
Saab. As mentioned above, there’s a 40 percent chance you’ll be voting Democratic. Otherwise, McCain’s your guy.
Large SUV, any make (including imports). You could vote for any of the Republicans. If you drive your SUV to church every week to pray for the less fortunate, you’re probably with Huckabee. If you drive it to church to pray that the less fortunate will keep their grubby hands off your stuff, give the Romney campaign a call. If you leave for church every Sunday but fall asleep before you get out of the garage, Thompson is your man. If you don’t know where to find a church, plan to pull the lever for Giuliani.
Large pickup truck, any make. Again, you would be comfortable with any of the Republicans. If you have a Dodge Ram, you might want to talk it over with the guys in your anger management class. Otherwise, you’ll need to use a process of elimination.
If you’ve every used the truck to carry anything other than people (or the occasional dog strapped to the roof), eliminate Romney. If your truck has a gun rack—especially one with a gun in it—eliminate Giuliani. If you actually know how to use the gun, eliminate everyone except Huckabee and McCain. If you can’t touch the gun without fainting, Romney’s your guy. If you don’t need a rack because you keep the loaded gun on your lap at all times, you’re probably already volunteering for Paul.
If you have a Confederate flag on the window and a white sheet in the back, Tancredo is a good fit. If you’re hauling a load of ammonium nitrate, your best bet is Paul.
Small pickup truck (Ranger, S10, Colorado, Dakota, etc.). You’re probably a Democrat. But if you insist on voting Republican, choose McCain, Huckabee, or Paul.
Saturn. All bets are off, because God only knows how your mind works.
If your car isn’t listed here, then either (1) you’re a Democrat (even if you haven’t admitted it to yourself yet), or (2) you drive some kind of oddball vehicle, and even my sophisticated formula can’t predict what you might do in a voting booth. If you are in the former group, I’ll deal with you in a fortnight. If you’re in the latter, you’re on your own.
Next time: Helping a Volvo driver decide between Clinton and Obama.
