Welcome back, early primary/caucus voters. Last time, I helped Republican voters decide on a presidential candidate by matching the candidates to the voters’ cars. Now it’s the Democrats’ turn.
But first, some follow-up on the previous column. I’ve received a number of comments from readers along these lines: “What should I do? I’m a Republican, but I drive a 10-year-old Subaru.” Or this: “I drive a Chevy Silverado, but I’m a Democrat. I’m confused.”
I’ll say you’re confused. A Democrat in a Bubba truck? Have you ever noticed that you’re the only one at the paintball tournaments without a Bush sticker on your pickup? Sorry, buddy—you may think you’re a Democrat, but your truck knows better. You can either change your party registration or get a different vehicle. Four years ago, you could have avoided the issue by voting for Joe Lieberman, but this year there are only Democrats in the Democratic primary.
As for the Subaru-driving “Republican,” all I can say is this: I am not, technically, a licensed psychologist, but you are some kind of messed up. God bless you.
So let’s get down to business. Your Democratic options are Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Chris Dodd, John Edwards, Mike Gravel, Dennis Kucinich, Barack Obama, and Bill Richardson. (Actually, many of the Democrats I’ve talked to seem to think there are only two candidates: Hillary and Anybody-But-Hillary.) Find your car below, and you’ll know how to vote.
Well, maybe. The problem, you see, is that the differences among the Democratic candidates are not as sharp this year as among the Republicans, so the choices are a lot more difficult. As you will soon discover, factors beyond just the car itself may come into play. Unless, of course, you drive a . . .
Minivan. This is easy. You’ve been in Hillary’s camp for 15 years, ever since “I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies.” Your husband says he’s voting for her, too. In reality, he’s voting for Richardson, Dodd, or Biden, but he’s not about to tell you that.
Oh, by the way—that’s not the only thing he’s not telling you. Hey, look, I’m just the messenger.
American car, any make. If you’re one of the few remaining Democrats driving an American car, you probably belong with Edwards.
Small American pickup truck, any make. Richardson.
Volvo. If it has a “Baby on Board!” sign on the window, you’re a Clinton supporter. If it has a sticker from a prestigious private college on the rear window, you’re with Obama. If your child attends a prestigious private college but you don’t choose to advertise that fact, try Richardson or Dodd. If you have a Harvard sticker on the window but everyone in your family attended the local community college, go talk to the Biden folks.
Saab. As mentioned last time, there’s a 60 percent chance you’re voting Republican. If not, you’ll be voting for Obama or Dodd.
Toyota Camry. Clinton all the way. Who cares about winning in November, right?
Nissan Maxima or Altima. You may very well be a Republican. If not, vote for Clinton.
Hybrid (any make), Honda Fit, Toyota Yaris, Nissan Versa, Mini Cooper, Scion xA or xD. Eliminate Clinton and Edwards, then consult “additional factors” below.
Scion xB. This is the one that looks like a toaster. Frankly, I can’t help you. Consult your therapist.
Subaru Outback or Legacy wagon, Forester, or Impreza. Eliminate Edwards and Biden, then see “additional factors.”
Subaru Legacy sedan. Who buys a Subaru sedan? Someone with no social skills. You’re with Clinton.
Volkswagen Beetle. Eliminate Clinton and Edwards, then see “additional factors.”
Volkswagen Passat wagon. Obama.
All other Volkswagen models. You could support any of the Democrats. See “additional factors.”
Most other Japanese models. Ditto.
Hyundai or Kia. Good lord. Edwards, I guess.
Additional factors. Clearly, for many Democrats the car alone won’t answer the question. We’ll need to take a look at the accoutrements. Here’s how it works: if you have the following items in or on your car, assign points to the candidates as indicated. The candidate with the most points wins. There is no limit on the number of points you can assign:
On the bumper:
Three or more political bumper stickers. Ten points to Kucinich. But if there are eight or more stickers, give those points to Gravel.
Three or more non-political bumper stickers (e.g., “I love my dachshund,” “This car climbed Mt. Washington”). Ten points to Edwards.
On the roof:
Canoe, kayak, or ski rack. Five points each to Obama and Dodd.
In the back:
Hiking boots or snowshoes. Two points to each candidate except Clinton, Edwards, and Biden.
Running shoes. Five points each to Obama and Richardson. But if the shoes are autographed by Rosie Ruiz, give all ten points to Biden.
Bowling shoes. Ten points to Edwards.
A pair of sensible pumps. Ten points to Clinton.
Birkenstocks and fuzzy socks. Ten points to Kucinich.
An extra pair of wingtips. Ten points to Biden.
An extra pair of wingtips and a pair of sensible pumps. If you live alone, give ten points to Kucinich.
Still need to break a tie? Cast the deciding vote based on the age of your car, as follows:
0-1 year: Obama
1-2 years: Dodd
2-5 years: Clinton
5-7 years: Richardson
7-10 years: Biden
10-15 years: Edwards
15-20 years: Kucinich
Over 20 years: Gravel
Oh, there’s one group left: those without cars. Once again, there’s no easy answer—we must consider the circumstances. If you think you may actually own a car, but you can’t remember where you left it, vote for Gravel. If you have a car sitting in the garage, but your grandchildren took the keys away in a family intervention, you’re a Republican and should vote for Fred Thompson. If you can’t afford a car because you spend $400 a month on haircuts, vote for Edwards. And if you are carless on principle, go with Kucinich.
There, we’re done. If your vehicle isn’t listed here, you’re a Republican or a non-voter. Not happy with your assignment? Sorry, I’m not responsible for your issues, but I assure you I’m sympathetic. Well, up to a point. If you don’t like it, you still have a few weeks to get a new car. Or a haircut.
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Editor’s note: The volume of mail received at The Johnston Papers has reached a level that makes it impossible to respond to everyone. If you don’t get a response to your comments, please don’t take it personally. Of course, that’s not to say I won’t do something else to offend you.
